Fragments of Memories
by Whiffles
Summary: The sequel to "Blue Magic." This one takes place after the game, and really has nothing to do with Blue Magic other than a very important event or two being mentioned.
1. Chapter 1

**Fragments of Memories****:  
Chapter One**

Every morning I wake up next to her, certain of how I feel but unable to voice it or do anything about it. Since I've known her, I've changed, and I realize I don't like who I am anymore. On the other hand, she saved me, and that is something for which I will always be thankful. It is also the very reason I can't leave her. I don't feel trapped; I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for her, and chose to do so. I'll never allow anything to hurt her the way I've hurt, even if it means I'll suffer the rest of my life for her happiness.

She rolls over beside me on the bed. Her arm stretches across my bare chest in a manner that suggests she wants to be close to me rather than just tossing and turning in her sleep. I run my fingers through her silky black hair as I feel her breath against my chest. We're both awake now, but too tired to open our eyes. This is the only part of my days worth living for. Throughout the night my dreams of not having Rinoa haunt me, and after I'm awake, work consumes most of my time. All I want is to know that I still have Rinoa, and that she is safe and happy.

Although, not everything in life is quite that easy. Especially considering the circumstances. We almost never see each other anymore, between her job and mine. I'm still with Garden working as a SeeD for the next seven months, and Rinoa picked up a job at the hotel here in Dollet. Balamb Garden relocated between Dollet and Winhill for the time being, and since I plan on leaving Garden, I've appointed one of the junior classmen, Mark, to take over my position when I leave. He's really the only reason I'm still there even now.

There's also the issue of children. Rinoa says she's ready to have them, but I think we should wait at least until we're married. And even then I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Besides the fact that we almost never even have time to try (which I'm secretly thankful for), she really wants one. Just one, which doesn't make any sense. If I decide I want a family, I want a big one. I don't want my children ever feeling lonely. I'd either want alot, or none at all.

Regardless of these issues though, I'll find a way to spend more time with her and make her happy. I'll marry her one day.

We nearly jump out of bed as the alarm clock on the nightstand beside us screams at us. Some death metal station. Seifer suggested it to Rinoa years ago, and it definitely does the trick.

"Mmm..." Rinoa moans irritatedly at the alarm clock as I reach over and turn it off without looking.

"Morning," she whispers, smiling before planting a kiss on my lips.

"Morning, beautiful," I return, leaving the bedroom to shower before work.

I involuntarily turn the knob that lets out the cold water. I don't know why I do this because I'm so used to taking hot showers. Yet, I don't bother making the water warmer. I feel the water rise above my toes as I lather the shampoo into my hair. While I rinse the last of the bubbles out, the shower curtain opens, revealing a fully nude Rinoa before my eyes. She steps in but then retreats to the other end of the tub.

"Why in Hyne's name is the water so cold?!" she shrieks.

"Cus I felt like taking a cold shower," I respond, pulling her close to me and kissing her, my arms wrapped tightly around her waist. She fights it, shivering, until I turn the hot water on. I hate moments like these.

"She stops shivering and welcomes my kiss, returns it, even. Her hair, becoming more drenched with the warm water, begins to cover her eyes and I tuck it behind her ears as she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me into her face. I love this, and I never want it to end, but at the same time it scares me to think this way.

Her hands run down my side along with the hot water, turning me on.

"Babe, I'm late as it is," I warn her before we get too carried away. I kiss her once more and then step out of the shower.


	2. Chapter 2

Another night, I'll be late coming home from work. Another disappointment. But I almost don't care. Our relationship is failing and I can't do a damn thing to fix it. Every time I have an idea, something gets in the way. It's usually work. The rest of the time it's just my mental state. Not mental state as in too tired, or moody. Things that I don't know how to handle... I want to make her happy, and I love her, but she isn't the one I want to be with. There is no solution here. I make her happy, so I can't leave. I owe her everything. Even if I'm unhappy, at least I can live with knowing that I make her happy.

Is this what love is? If it is, then why do people glamourize it? There's nothing about it that is desirable. This is what nobody actually tells you - what you have to learn for yourself - about love, and then never say it to anybody. Love doesn't really exist, we just think it does. It's something we human beings invented to feel better about life, with the possibility of finding that special someone perfect for you. Love is NOT what we want, we only WANT companionship. It's not an emotional connection with caring and tenderness between two people that last forever. It's really just a high off of natural brain chemicals that occur when we're aroused, happy, excited, or simply find something pleasant. Which explains why people are so easily addicted to things they can't consume - they naturally obtain it. And "love" is even better than drugs, because you don't have to pay for it or go out and search for it. But just like a real drug, eventually you'll come down from that high and feel like shit.

Even with all that said, why do I feel like this? All I can think about is her. Memories replay in my mind of Rinoa - when we first met, our first kiss, the night we had sex for the first time. Only it's not Rinoa. I can barely live with myself because my only mission is to make Rinoa happy, and I'm secretly happy just thinking of someone else. Knowing that it's more than just a fantasy - it's something that secretly, somewhere so deep inside of me I didn't even know existed - that there is hope, makes everything worse.


	3. Chapter 3

"Squall honey, are you going to be back in time for the movie?" she asks over the phone. We had been planning a date night for the past two weeks. I don't know how to disappoint her once again. She had been looking forward to it ever since the first trailer of it. Actually, everyone is, but especially Rinoa. Had I known once we defeated Ultimecia that there would be a movie about the mysteries of her life, I wouldn't have taken on so many responsibilities. But if I bail now, I won't be able to support her. That's the only reason I do everything I do. But if I keep doing what I do, our relationship becomes jeapordized.

"I will definitely try to make it," I answer as honestly as I possibly could. She sighs before responding.

"Nevermind, I'll just go with the girls," she replies before hanging up. And that's that. No "I love you," no "goodbye," no "talk to you later." How can I let her down now? I mean, I just did, but I can't follow through with what I told her. She's never done that before. I have to go home.

"Mark, why don't you take the rest of the day off?" I offer. "We'll catch up tomorrow." I leave without saying another word.

I try reaching Rinoa on the phone before I get home, but it automatically goes to her voice mail. I leave her a message.

Nobody is home. Not even a message. The movie isn't until another five hours so I don't know why she isn't here. She must have gone out to eat before the movie. Even still, who goes out to eat five hours before the movie?

I sit on the bed and turn on the TV. Commercials. I flip through the channels but find nothing of interest. I get up to get myself a glass of ice cold juice and return to my bed where I watch commercials for baby items and other things of no use to me. I set down my glass on the nightstand to my right. Rinoa's engagement ring. It lay by itself near the edge of the nightstand. I get a phone call.

"Hey, Squall, I can't get a hold of Rinoa... if you see her before she leaves, could you tell her to bring my lip gloss? I think I left it on the bathroom sink," Selphie tells me.


	4. Chapter 4

I shiver although the heat kicks in. I don't know why I've been this way, but my body acts weird in different temperatures. In the mornings, I'm so used to taking hot showers but for some reason, as if my body is posessed, I make it cold. I shiver in the heat. I can't eat anything warm. Not to mention I can't stop thinking of her. Who I loved before I met Rinoa. The reason my first relationship failed and why I chose to be alone. I didn't understand then, but I couldn't think of anybody but her. I felt guilty being in another relationship, and I didn't want to punish anyone else. Or myself.

But what I didn't think was that I was punishing her. By trying to erase her from my memories, but what I wasn't counting on was not getting her out of my mind. Lately she's all I can think about and I know I shouldn't. I want to make Rinoa happy. She saved me. But the more I think about it, the worse I feel. If it weren't for Shiva, I wouldn't have shut everybody out in the first place. Sure, when I was a kid I was shy. And I was socially awkward. But there was something about Shiva that made me not care. If it weren't for the timing of it all, I'd be a completely different person right now.

But now that I'm in this predicament I don't know what to do. Maybe I could make a decision if I could understand the situation in the first place. Why did Rinoa leave without saying anything? Have I hurt her? Does she still want to be with me? Or does she want to leave me? Is she trying to get back at me by leaving her ring here? What could she be doing right now?

If Rinoa wanted to leave me, it would be one thing. It would also be easier for me to do what I want, but right now she's the most important person in my life and I owe her everything. Even if she hates me, I'll do all I can to make her happy.

But then again, she wouldn't have saved me if it weren't for my past. How I ended it with Quistis years ago. Nobody even knows about that. I thought Zell might, but he seems to have grown apart from us since then. Only within the past couple years did we become close again. He probably forgot because of the GFs. I wonder if Quistis remembers... I don't even know why I remember. You'd think that if the reason I'm so unhappy now is because I belong with Shiva, that I wouldn't remember being with other people the way I've been with her.

Or maybe I'm supposed to remember. Maybe... how would I know how much Shiva means to me, and how much I want and need her, if I couldn't see the alternative? I'm not happy with someone, and I can't stand to be alone. Even though I've been this way almost my entire life. I just don't like people.

But Shiva isn't a person. Maybe that's what makes her different. It doesn't make much sense to say, because it isn't like that's what I was thinking when we were together. Maybe it's because I don't remember when the last time I unjunctioned her was. She's always been in my head. Literally. Not many people know me better than she does. Sure, Rinoa knows a lot about me, and so does Quistis... but Shiva doesn't flaunt her knowledge. That's what separates her from them. I just know she understands and I don't think she's annoying.

_Squall, when will you stop beating yourself up over me? We may not have what you have with Rinoa. Or what she wants. But as long as I'm with you, I'm happy. Please don't unjunction me._

So she wants me to be happy. And I can only be happy if I'm with her. But I owe my life to Rinoa. I make her happy. I can't just stop.

I change my mind as I hear the keys jingling in the door.

"Oh, Seifer stop," I hear her giggle in his arms just before turning the door knob.


End file.
